Up to now I believed that I’m the “normal” one and my bf the “weird” one but now I realize that I need to work on myself as well. I’m 30 years old and in a Pursuer – Distancer relationship, me being the pursuer. *Intimacy is not an industry; it's not fast food.

the Christian life is about intimacy, not technique. Partners may reverse roles, but always maintain a certain space between them. “Acting like a distancer” is still not letting go or being more autonomous. So I feel shame about being needy/ dependent/ vulnerable (“Suck it up – no one is going to be there for me except me”). Eventually we accepted that we were just plain incompatible. Usually, they wouldn’t last and one might be repelled by the other’s neediness or not feel worthy of his or her love. What would be important now is developing more self-acceptance and compassion to heal your shame. When this happens you cannot communicate effectively, nor take into consideration your needs and the needs of your partner. Low self-esteem and codependency might lead to conflict and high reactivity. Do you try to create closeness by giving up your autonomy, hobbies, friends or interests, by never disagreeing, by being seductive, or by care-taking and pleasing others?When these behaviors are operating without awareness, you are not coming from a place of choice. I’d love to hear what you have to say about what’s the best reaction to violent pursuing? Harms can be done to yourself and others in the name of autonomy and intimacy, so it’s important to bring their dynamics into … Proceeding to continued progression of countermeasures for health & betterment!This is a very good article. Naturally, even the happiest of couples experience intimacy issues throughout their courtship. Do all the exercises in my books.

More information and the seeds of this dynamic are in my new book, This is a great article and articulate information about codependent relationships. The unspoken agreement is that the Pursuer chase the Distancer forever, but never catch-up, and that the Distancer keep running, but never really get away. I know I have the disorganized attachment style (fearful avoidant). i was just wondering, with all your experience, would this man be a narcissist and a distancer?? Aren’t I lovable (pretty, thin, successful, smart) enough?”These are all good questions to take up with your therapist who is more familiar with you and the dynamics. Never really understanding what we were doing. I lost interest in people easily (in term of dating). Your loneliness, shame, and needy behavior stem from that. Do the exercises in my books, and I also do phone coaching that would be helpful.You write about the need/fear of closeness and need/fear of distance, and suggest to the distancer to have courage and stay close and face his childhood feelings as they re-emerge. When each is able to say, “Yes” and say “No,” without the fear of being overwhelmed by intimacy or abandoned by separation, they won’t trigger each other’s defensive reaction.

Read some of my other blogs and do the exercises in my Dummies book. But we have always loved one another and even reunited after a two year split.

But I’m also ashamed of the part of myself that is selfish/independent as well (“I don’t know how to take care of myself”). I don’t think I have experienced a real intimacy either. Start with the paperbacks and then You’re describing symptoms of codependency. But this is not true.

But what if the reason for his wanting distance is the chaser being violent in the here and now? Aren’t I lovable (pretty, thin, successful, smart) enough?”They each blame one another and themselves. Am I selfish? And thank you a lot Darlene Lancer for all the writings.Just because someone is a distancer doesn’t mean him or her is not needy. Go to CoDA.org or SLAA.org meetings and do the exercises in Thank you Darlene, I suspected this from long time. She has her insecurities due to her family which I feel are being thrown at me with no remorse. Ive accepted this because i cant see a way out and apparently i shouldnt get out.You don’t say your age, but I’m not sure why you feel you must leave to find yourself, rather than go inside. i feel exactly what you said about him being -” about the Distancer: “He (or She) is selfish, inconsiderate, inflexible, emotionally withdrawn, has to have things his way.” And wonders “Is there something wrong with me? Last Updated on July 17, 2020. I was certain that i need to leave my fiance in order to find myself… but in reality im guilty and shouldnt leave because my feelings are wrong? If you are located outside the U.S., the best way to order online is to choose from the following bookstores listed by region and country. I’ve always, subconciosly, known she was the one for me.


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